Mind Cake Episode 1

LIGHTS UP. SPLIT STAGE. HE enters stage left. Chin slightly up. Coat collar popped. He clocks something in the middle distance, finger guns at it like they have history. SHE enters stage right. Moving with purpose. Checking the phone in her hand. They walk towards each other. They're going to collide. He steps left to avoid her. She steps the same way. They stop. They both step in the same direction again. Stop again. FREEZE. He turns to the audience. She is frozen. HIM I actually clocked her about ten paces back. Something about the way she was walking. Like the street was hers and the rest of us were just trespassing. He glances back at her, still frozen. HIM (CONT'D) You meet people like that sometimes. If you’re lucky. People with eyes like November. All fireworks and anticipation. And you think... I don't know. You think maybe you were supposed to notice. He faces the audience again. Quieter. HIM (CONT'D) I nearly walked a different way today. He returns to his original position. UNFREEZE. They do the shuffle again. Both step the same way. Both stop. He does a little apologetic hand gesture. She does the same gesture but somehow it looks like a dismissal. FREEZE. She turns to the audience. Him frozen with his hand still up. HER This. This right here. This is what I'm talking about. She gestures at him. HER (CONT'D) He's not reading the situation, is he? I'm clearly going left. My body language says left. My trajectory says left. I have been on a left-bound vector for the last fifteen yards and this man has decided to make a song and dance of it. She looks at an audience member directly like she's expecting them to take minutes. HER (CONT'D) I had a system. I was on a route. And now I'm standing in the middle of the road silently negotiating with some sort of thrift shop mannequin. UNFREEZE. They try again. He gestures ‘after you’. She gestures ‘no, after YOU’. They both step forward at the same time. They're now very close. Uncomfortably close. FREEZE. He turns to the audience. HIM (almost whispering) I can smell her perfume now. Or her shampoo. One of the two. Maybe both. Is that Spicebomb? He sniffs her face. HIM (CONT'D) Or honeycomb? Is it weird to even ask? No, it's not weird at all. It's observational. It’s endearing. He looks back at her, frozen, face six inches from his. HIM (CONT'D) Funny, isn't it. You spend years walking past people. Thousands of them. And none of them stop. Not one of them. But she did. He turns back to the audience. Eyes wide. HIM (CONT'D) She stopped. UNFREEZE. FREEZE. She turns to the audience. She is not having the same experience. HER He's still here. She takes a deep breath. HER (CONT'D) Right. Let me talk you through the options. (She counts on her fingers.) One. I go left, he goes right. Clean. Efficient. Done. Two. He goes left, I go right. Also acceptable. Three. One of us stands completely still while the other one walks around them like a normal, functioning person. She looks at the audience. HER (CONT'D) Three options. Three clear outcomes. And yet here we are, in pedestrian purgatory. She glances at him. He's frozen with what might be a slight smile. HER (CONT'D) Is he... is he smiling? Why is he smiling? UNFREEZE. They try again. This time they both commit. Both step left with purpose. Both stop. Both step right with purpose. Both stop. They do it again, faster. Left. Right. Left. It starts to look choreographed. Like they're magnetically locked to each other's decisions. FREEZE. He turns to the audience. He's awed. HIM Did you see that? We moved at the same time. Exactly the same time. Not close. Not roughly. Exactly. You don't get that with just anyone. You can't rehearse that. That's not two strangers on tarmac. That's... I don't know what that is. But you felt it. He looks at her. HIM (CONT'D) She felt it too. Our first dance. I know she did- oh my god! Is this a meet cute? UNFREEZE. FREEZE. She turns to the audience. It is not a meet cute. HER I don't understand what’s going on here. I go left, he goes left. Fine. Statistically that happens. But then I correct, and he corrects. Simultaneously. And then again. And again. That's not probability. That's stupidity. A man who can’t read simple social cues. She pinches the bridge of her nose. HER (CONT'D) I’ve walked past thousands of people. Thousands. And not one of them has required this much admin. She looks at the audience. HER (CONT'D) Am I the problem? No. No, I'm not the problem. He's the problem. She looks back at him. He's frozen. Still slightly awed. HER (CONT'D) Look at him. Look at that gormless look on his face. UNFREEZE. They both step back. Regroup. Both take a breath. FREEZE. He turns to the audience. Steps towards them for the first time. He's ready. This is his moment. But she hasn't frozen. She stands behind him, very much awake, and watches him do it. The audience can see her face. He can't. HIM The thing about people is, you can go weeks, months, without anyone really... connecting. And then someone does. And it's never where you expect it. It's never the big moments. It's the small ones. The ones that shouldn't matter. Behind him, her expression changes. Confusion. Then recognition. Then something close to horror. HIM (CONT'D) She's got this energy. Like she's looking for something. For someone. Yearning for a moment that hasn't happened to her yet. And I think maybe that's- HER Are you monologuing? He spins round. Shocked. HIM What? HER Just then. You were monologuing. HIM I wasn’t. I was... I wasn’t monologuing. HER You were. I heard you. I was standing right here. You were doing a whole... thing. About yearning. About me being desperate. HIM I didn't say desperate, I said- anyway, you weren’t supposed to hear it. That’s not how this works. HER Well I did hear it and it was far from complimentary. HIM I was just... I was thinking out loud. HER Thinking out loud to an imaginary audience about my loneliness. Who does that? And I’ll have you know I’m very well served in the connection department, thank you. HIM Look, I think we got off on the wrong- HER We didn’t get off on the wrong anything. Don't make this into something it’s not. HIM I'm not trying to make it into anything- HER You are. I can see you doing it now. Thinking about what your next line’s going to be. And then you’ll go home and tell your generic flatmate, or, heaven forbid, write a stupid little play about it. Beat. HIM Aren’t you? A long beat. She doesn't answer. They stare at each other. CAR HORN. Loud. Sustained. Aggressive. VOICE (O.S.) GET OUT OF THE ROAD YOU FUCKING MORONS! They both jump. They look around. They look at each other. The spell is broken. He opens his mouth to say something. HER Don't. Just don’t. She steps left and walks off stage right. Fast. He watches her go. He turns to the audience. HIM And that’s how I met- CAR HORN again. VOICE (O.S.) MOVE!

He flinches. Walks off stage left. LIGHTS DOWN. END.